I went in for my appointment on Thursday and they baby no longer has a heartbeat and isn’t growing. Unfortunately, it is a miscarriage. It was very sad and I took the rest of the day off. I was obviously very upset and just needed some time to grieve.
We left Friday morning for the River with the family for Easter. Some may see this as a weird move right after I found out, but I am of the type that I would rather be around other people(especially people who have no idea) than by myself to mope. We had a really good weekend and I only broke down a handful of times…of course when I get by myself. But with the whole relaxing weekend, I had a lot to think about. And my thought process, I feel, has been the best coping mechanism. I want to share my thoughts so that others can be prepared in case it happens to you.
First off, here are some basic facts to bust this taboo topic out in the open. Anywhere from 15%-20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. Bet you didn’t know that? Most of the time, these are early on in the pregnancy. They are chromosomal abnormalities that don’t allow the baby to develop beyond a certain point. So the miscarriage is your body’s way of getting rid of the undeveloped child. It sounds kinda cold, I know…and some women can’t handle that reality…but to me it all makes perfect sense. And with it being an abnormality, there is nothing you could have or can do to prevent it. That is just the way it is. So this is where I am. I can A) beat myself up over something I can’t control or B) move on and think about the future. I am going with option B and I feel that has helped me very quickly. I knew, even before this happened, the statistics and realities of miscarriage so I wasn’t struck with this since of guilt or panic when I was told. Of course I was sad, but I always knew in the back of my head, it could be true. I also want to be an example to you ladies down the road if this happens to you…take your time to grieve and everyone is different…but realize it isn’t your fault….you can still have a perfectly healthy baby next time. So begin positive is my motto. No need to sulk about and pity myself. This is the ultimate falling off the horse…and I am getting right back on.
Now the hard part, to me, is that I have to decide to wait to naturally have the miscarriage or have a D&C. For some information, just see here. I think I have decided to wait until Thursday, and if nothing is happening naturally, to inquire about the surgery. We were told that once the miscarriage is over, we can try again after my next cycle. Also it seems that women become more fertile after and usually get pregnant again very soon. So fingers crossed! I am a little scared of surgery since I have never had anything other than oral surgery done. I have done a lot of reading about the procedure and reading some boards where women talk about their experience. A lot of women said it was a quicker way of letting go and some felt a natural miscarriage was a lot more emotional as well as physically painful. Also, there is no idea of how long it would take. Right now I still feel exactly the same. I am tired, my boobs hurt, I am hungry, etc. I am ready for it to just all be over and I can move on.
So I will still update if I have the surgery or not and then I will probably take a break from the blog. Thanks for reading.