Hmm…so how to start this? I kept something from this blog. I had good reason to at the time but now I feel like me talking about it will make someone feel better. The community of support and “me too” is too powerful not to. So here goes:
Fall of 2010 I had my second miscarriage.
Yup. I have talked with others about it if it has come up. Usually helping a friend with a MC. I’m not ashamed. I just have guilt. Part of my soapbox is being more open about these things. It isn’t a closeted issue in my eyes. We should help each other out. So for that, I’m sorry for keeping it from you (all of you…I know a lot of you are finding this a shock right now). I want to put myself out there.
The reason I didn’t talk about it before was because it was short. I learned I was pregnant, knew for about 4 days, had cramps and bleeding and it was gone. If I wasn’t so neurotic about my body, I probably would have never known. I never felt pregnant. It never felt right. I never even had time to get my hopes up. It was a weird feeling. With Pumpkin, we had tried on purpose, saw a heartbeat, sore boobs…all of it. Then when that heartbeat was gone, it hurt. The D&C was terrible and the 2 months of waiting on the green light to start again was just kicking me while I was down. This time? None of it. So I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want condolences for something I didn’t feel. I didn’t want worried phone calls and tears when I wasn’t crying myself. I just went on with my life. I wasn’t ready for another baby yet.
I was relieved.
And then the guilt started. How could I say that? We were able to have another. Financially. Logistically. We tried for 9 months for Landon. It wasn’t fun (sorry hun). But I had just finished breastfeeding. I wanted my body to myself. How selfish, right? Maybe it was because I didn’t ever feel like it was real. Never a symptom, never a good feeling. Maybe that was the universe trying to help me. Either way I was conflicted. Come out and fake sorrow or just not say anything? I obviously chose the later.
I have come close to writing about this multiple times but just didn’t have the words. Maybe hearing Dolphin’s heartbeat at 15 weeks was an extra sigh of relief. Anyway, I want this post to be a safe place if you have felt this way. This isn’t a sad post. If things didn’t work out and you weren’t devastated, you aren’t alone. It is a tough place to be in. I’m here. Contact me if you want. I am happy to talk about it. I want to help the community and me coming out is my way of helping.