First of the Firsts

It’s been awhile. I’ve had blogs half-written to discuss the litany of things we’ve been through this year that I wish filled this homepage. But that all seems super trivial now*.

On June 6th, my mom died suddenly from a heart attack.

So yeah…life got real different, real quick. For those of you new here, I am an only child and my dad passed away when I was 18. It was also semi suddenly from lung cancer (no, he wasn’t a smoker. Yes, that makes it worse). I really hate this trend. Being a 35 yr old orphan sucks balls.

As with these sudden deaths, I am slowly trudging through grief while doing ALL THE THINGS. Lucky for me (?), my mother was prepared. After my dad died, she knew all the things to do to make sure I wouldn’t be scrambling around looking for stuff. She made wills. She secured her money with me as beneficiary. She even paid for her own goddamn funeral. But it’s still a lot. (yes, I am formulating a post on how you should talk to your parents, and yourself, about these things.) There are realtors and death certificates and death glares at AT&T and CenturyLink <- Dicks.  It’s all a really shitty but effective diversion. Yes, I waffle around the anger and acceptance area of the grief chart. It pairs with a nice canned wine apparently.

I have a lot of things I want to type here as therapy but they have no elegant segues. My prose is lacking and I’m pretty fucking exhausted so here’s a bulleted list of feelings I’ve had in the past month and a half.( I am pretty blunt. If you are offended, you must not really know me.):

  • Being an only child is a real mixed bag here. I have no one to commiserate with but I also don’t have anyone to challenge me on decisions and apparently it’s making estate planning WAY easier.
  • Bless having a librarian for a mom. Everything was so documented, filed and labeled.
  • Sunday mornings are the worst as it was our weekly FaceTime sessions.
  • Friends are the best. They’ve gone above and beyond in support. It’s amazing.
  • I’m not a crier. I feel like everyone is looking for me to burst into tears at any moment. It’s really awkward for everyone. I am just throwing it out there that I am 99% not going to. I’m not dead inside…it’s just a thing.
  • I should have…xyz. Over and over again. Then I resolve it to myself
  • Cremation jewelry is a fucked up market.
  • Related: as a child of one cremation  and one burial funeral. I recommend cremation all the way.
  • My husband has hands down deflected every possible thing he could for me. So many calls and documents and arrangements. God, I love him.
  • It’s a blessing and sucks learning about things about your mom after she’s gone. The humbleness is noble but it sucks you can’t talk to them about it.
  • I’ve had 16 years of dreams about one dead parent. Now it’s gettin real weird.
  • To say I am a hypochondriac would be pretty accurate now. I have literally called the dr to see if they can move my physical up.
  • I didn’t ask enough questions. I didn’t explore more things about my past.
  • I’m sure my mom is getting a good laugh at all the cleaning I am having to do.

Today is my first of the firsts. Today is my mom’s birthday. She would be 67. Shit, that’s too fucking young.

 

 

*it’s not…I’ll finish them because they are important in their own way…just not right now.

7 thoughts on “First of the Firsts

  • July 23, 2018 at 5:52 pm
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    Thank you for writing this. I can’t even imagine. Big hugs.

    Reply
  • July 23, 2018 at 5:56 pm
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    I am so sorry to read this Brandy! Thank you for sharing something so personal with all of us! I am sorry for your loss. I truly wish I was closer to you so that I could be a listening ear, shoulder, fuck anything for you right now! Please continue to post so that we are your therapy.

    Reply
  • July 23, 2018 at 6:20 pm
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    Thanks for sharing, as a fellow only child I can only imagine how difficult this time is for you. Keeping you in my thoughts, glad you have such an amazing support system. <3

    On an unrelated note, I’m revisiting your toddler dinner posts because feeding a 2 year old while pregnant (and with a deployed spouse) is more thinking than I can muster lately.

    Reply
  • July 23, 2018 at 10:13 pm
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    Big hugs to you! As with pretty much everything, I’ve so admired how you’ve handled this. But you know I’m close by if there’s anything I can do EVER, just please let me know.

    Reply
  • July 24, 2018 at 12:47 pm
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    I love your candidness – because sometimes we don’t have everything planned out, sometimes we are still working through what we feel, and sometimes life just sucks! I am sorry to hear about your Mom, she sounds like a great person and the picture you posted allows us to peer into a glimpse of the love you share. Crying is not for everyone, but writing is one of your healers! Keep it up!

    Reply
  • August 21, 2018 at 10:05 pm
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    I am so, so sorry for your loss. You and the boys will be in my thoughts.

    Reply
  • November 13, 2018 at 7:08 am
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    Thank you for this post. I could not agree more with EVERY item on your list. Thank you for leaving the filter off. Emotions can be difficult to convey but the proper placement of a curse word does wonders of framing it nicely. I know that loss does not get any easier with time, more just seems to happen to layer on top of it all. It only takes some focus or a vivid dream to clear off the layers and make it fresh again. Your mother sounds amazing! May I share just a bit of my experience in hopes of helping you in some small way. My father died a couple years ago from a sudden heart attack. He never needed daily meds or to be driven as he was unable to do so safely. I wanted more time with him… My mother now lives with us and need daily meds. She cannot drive. She cannot remember things here and there. These daily events are layering over the lifetime of amazing things she has done and love she has shown. If I focus or have a vivid dream the layers fall away and I remember her in the loving glory that she has spent most of her life. I am sorry for your loss. I hope the “very best” layers of memories stay near the top for you.

    Reply

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