4 Ways to Make More Money As My Waiter

8566196976_1e432a1374_zDear waiter/waitress,

I know you just rolled your eyes when you saw the hostess seat us in your section. You see us as work. You may hate kids. That’s understandable sometimes…I feel you.

And yeah, the little one looks like he will for sure throw shit on the floor. I get it. Hell, this is why I’m here…I didn’t wanna deal with that with it today. I really try to keep them from being hellions in public but, let’s face it, you give him a giant spoon…he’s 2…shit happens. He doesn’t go gaga over the coloring sheet…sorry again. I’d just let him watch an iPod like every other kid but holy hell you don’t wanna see it when we take it away when the food comes. Trust.

But you see, I’m here to change your outlook. Don’t look at my family as another pain in your ass but more like a relative gold mine. Hear me out. I realize you get paid fuck-all to deal with this. The last customer made you send something back 3 times because it had a tomato on it. A family just left their table smeared with pureed sweet potatoes from their spawn. I get it. It sucks but I’m here to help you turn what could be a drain of a table into a cash cow. Ready?

  1. Be nice to my kids. I’m not talking about making balloon animals and dancing a jig but make an effort to acknowledge their presence. It doesn’t really change them as it changes my regard for you. And from Amy on Twitter, treating an older child like they are a person that can make decisions on their own. Parents are softies and softies tip well.
  2. Be aware of time. The longer we have to wait, the more chaotic it can become. I know you can’t gauge small children blood sugar levels but trust me IT IS A TICKING TIME BOMB. And a delicate balance at that. If I give them too many snacks  before, they won’t eat shit for dinner and then riot while we are trying to eat. We will become so frustrated that we will bolt as fast as possible when we leave. My math skills plummet when I am anxious. So helpful things are: offering to bring the kids food out early (i.e. heat the mac and cheese first), if it is a infant/early toddler, offer some crackers or something to keep them amused, bring the check earlier than you normally would (we aren’t gonna sit around and chat).
  3. Be nice to me. This seems pretty obvious. Be nice to anyone for a tip but I’ve been in the case of the opposite. The ice king/queen reaction to even our presence. They avoid the table at all times unless directly tracked down. Talk to me like a real human…laugh, make a corny joke. Considering I have the cash to throw away $5 on mac and cheese they could potentially not eat means I probably have the cash to bestow upon you.
  4. Go that extra bit. This is an overflow of things I (and others) have had exceptional waiters do. I tipped a lot. Examples
    • Reiterate my parenting. They hear me say “you can’t have dessert unless you finish your meal”. The waiter backed me up and encouraged my child to eat.
    • Make my kid laugh. If you can break the Beans, you get cash money. It’s basically a county fair game.
    • Don’t stare at my boobs while feeding my kid and sure as hell don’t tell me to feed in the bathroom.
    • Pour hefty glasses of wine…kids or no.

Kindly Yours,


What’s on your must have list when you take your kids out to dinner?

3 thoughts on “4 Ways to Make More Money As My Waiter

  • February 10, 2015 at 10:41 am

    Are last waiter took FOREVER. The place was slow on a weekday at lunch too. A 14 month old does not like sitting still, and the coloring pages with rolling crayons that I have to pick off the floor every 30 seconds don’t entertain my 2 year old for very long.

    Don’t stick my toddlers meal in front of him if the plate is hot. Don’t offer him a soda either. He’s 2.

    I always order the kids food first so that it gets going while we look over the menu. Chances are, I’ve gone to the website before entering the establishment to find out what they have for my kid so I can order as soon as we sit. Make an effort to get it in and bring it out before the rest of our meal. Trust me, I know their threshold.

    And not just going out to eat, but in other stores- don’t ask loudly if my kid can have a balloon, sticker, cookie, sucker, etc. I become the bad guy to him/them. With all of their food allergies, chances are I’m not going to let them have it because I don’t feel like stabbing them with an EpiPen when they suddenly can’t breathe.

  • February 10, 2015 at 10:41 am

    We just had THE BEST WAITRESS at First Watch on Glenwood. She hit every bullet point (with the exception of the breastfeeding and wine (it was 8 AM).
    C went so far as to call her his “girlfriend.” Adorbs. Bonus, she’s the only reason he at his eggs. She got a hella good tip and we’ll ask to sit in her section next time!

  • February 10, 2015 at 11:59 am

    If I’m by myself: refill my drinks in a timely fashion & don’t bother me.

    If I’m with my kids: well, exactly what you said. And do what you can to bring a kids meal out as soon as possible. Me, I can wait.

    A good tip? From me is, easily 25-30% Alas, with my kids (when my bill is typically higher), I’ve been known to leave 10% because, well, it seemed that the server decided to employ a strategy of avoidance.


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