First of the Firsts

It’s been awhile. I’ve had blogs half-written to discuss the litany of things we’ve been through this year that I wish filled this homepage. But that all seems super trivial now*.

On June 6th, my mom died suddenly from a heart attack.

So yeah…life got real different, real quick. For those of you new here, I am an only child and my dad passed away when I was 18. It was also semi suddenly from lung cancer (no, he wasn’t a smoker. Yes, that makes it worse). I really hate this trend. Being a 35 yr old orphan sucks balls.

As with these sudden deaths, I am slowly trudging through grief while doing ALL THE THINGS. Lucky for me (?), my mother was prepared. After my dad died, she knew all the things to do to make sure I wouldn’t be scrambling around looking for stuff. She made wills. She secured her money with me as beneficiary. She even paid for her own goddamn funeral. But it’s still a lot. (yes, I am formulating a post on how you should talk to your parents, and yourself, about these things.) There are realtors and death certificates and death glares at AT&T and CenturyLink <- Dicks.  It’s all a really shitty but effective diversion. Yes, I waffle around the anger and acceptance area of the grief chart. It pairs with a nice canned wine apparently.

I have a lot of things I want to type here as therapy but they have no elegant segues. My prose is lacking and I’m pretty fucking exhausted so here’s a bulleted list of feelings I’ve had in the past month and a half.( I am pretty blunt. If you are offended, you must not really know me.):

  • Being an only child is a real mixed bag here. I have no one to commiserate with but I also don’t have anyone to challenge me on decisions and apparently it’s making estate planning WAY easier.
  • Bless having a librarian for a mom. Everything was so documented, filed and labeled.
  • Sunday mornings are the worst as it was our weekly FaceTime sessions.
  • Friends are the best. They’ve gone above and beyond in support. It’s amazing.
  • I’m not a crier. I feel like everyone is looking for me to burst into tears at any moment. It’s really awkward for everyone. I am just throwing it out there that I am 99% not going to. I’m not dead inside…it’s just a thing.
  • I should have…xyz. Over and over again. Then I resolve it to myself
  • Cremation jewelry is a fucked up market.
  • Related: as a child of one cremation  and one burial funeral. I recommend cremation all the way.
  • My husband has hands down deflected every possible thing he could for me. So many calls and documents and arrangements. God, I love him.
  • It’s a blessing and sucks learning about things about your mom after she’s gone. The humbleness is noble but it sucks you can’t talk to them about it.
  • I’ve had 16 years of dreams about one dead parent. Now it’s gettin real weird.
  • To say I am a hypochondriac would be pretty accurate now. I have literally called the dr to see if they can move my physical up.
  • I didn’t ask enough questions. I didn’t explore more things about my past.
  • I’m sure my mom is getting a good laugh at all the cleaning I am having to do.

Today is my first of the firsts. Today is my mom’s birthday. She would be 67. Shit, that’s too fucking young.



*it’s not…I’ll finish them because they are important in their own way…just not right now.

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