What I imagine hell looks like

I watch an insane amount of Thomas the Train. yeah yeah, horrible parent, brainwashing my kid…blah blah blah. Don’t care. You haven’t seen the excitement on that kid’s face when he gets to watch and the glee he expresses with every “chooo chooo’s pwease?”. Anyway, I digress.

I have come to question many things in the world of choo choos that is Sodor. I thought I would share:

1. What the hell are the drivers doing on these trains? The trains make terrible decisions…constantly. They tell the driver to get out and steal, hook them to the wrong stuff on purpose, and destroy cargo. (That’s right bitches, I am citing my work.) I get it. The trains are the stars…but then why even have people? Guess you need to haul something other than party supplies.

2. Speaking of people, what kind of racket is Sir Topham Hatt running? Whatever he says, those trains tremble on their tracks. He seems a little high and mighty if you ask me. They aim to please him all the time, he orders everyone else around and the whole white old fat man really busts my buffers, if you know what I mean.

3. Why don’t Annie and Clarabel speak? In a lot of scenes, they don’t even have mouths. I find this strangely disturbing. They just have to ride along with all these stupid ass antics. I don’t like this sexist crap but we all know that the women would tell him to get his shit together, and we can’t have that now can we.

4. When do they NOT have a damn party? It’s always brass bands this and carnival that. They even use trains to transport banners and streamers. WTF? 1 train to transport 1 person to a party? What kind of budget are they working with here? I also imagine there are no Uhaul franchises on that island. A racket I tell ya!

5. Why do these trains “swear” so much? “Bust My Buffers”, “Cinders and Ashes”, “Flatten my Funnel”. All ‘fake’ swears. I find this humorous since the show is based on a Christian book. I get that it is cute, but there are SO MANY. But I can say, if I can get Landon to say “Bust my buffers” when he is angry, my work as a mother will be complete.

6. How are there no workers at the steam works and Victor is just running around? He is a freaking train. Seems like a lot of work for other trains to do. If at any point there should be real people, it would be here. You know…opposable thumbs and all.

7. Can we get another adjective than ‘cross’? If my worker’s were screwing up as much as these trains, I would be more like “angry”, “furious”, “fuming”, or, more appropriately, fucking pissed off. I bet Sir Topham Hatt eats his feelings. It is all coming together now…