A little more than the blues

Sorry for the pause in postings. I have been busy this week and also taking it a little more easy. I had a few tough days last weekend and by Tuesday, I was crying at pretty much anything. Me….the one who never cries…the one who never once “cried at a kleenex commercial” during pregnancy. I kept waiting for that one day that I just got all weepy at nothing…and it never came. Apparently the hormones were just saving up their power for now.

So there…I am having a tough time. It has taken me some courage to admit it but the first step is acceptance right? With the combo of sleep deprivation, hormones, an active baby, and long days at home…I have had some trying times. The reason I am writing about this is because I know I can’t be alone. There are times it sucks…I admit it. When my back is on fire from carrying him for hours and I haven’t eaten anything AND he is still crying…it sucks. When he has been awake for 3 hours and still won’t nap..it sucks. I long for a nap…a margarita..heck even an hour of testing would be better.

My other enemy was reading books to try and “help” the situation. I was trying to figure out how to get him to nap…to no avail. “Newborns sleep all the time” everything said. I wanted to throw something. Now I did learn some good things from them I think but overall I think they were just making it worse. So I sent them all back to the library.

On Tuesday, I hit the breaking point. Like I said above, I couldn’t stop crying. I even had Kevin at home in the morning but I just couldn’t stop. When I would try to talk with him about it, I would just cry harder. It hurts to admit it isn’t the picture perfect experience…especially to him. I am frustrated and have thoughts of unhappiness…THEN I feel guilty for feeling that way. What kind of mom, with a perfectly healthy baby, has such feelings? It just snowballs….

Finally Kevin suggested I call health care and talk to someone. So I called to get an appointment. I couldn’t even make the appointment without crying. Poor Kim seemed to sense it on the phone and refused to make me wait until the next day. She found me the first person who could see me…on Flu shot day. I saw the new Dr. and just talked about my feelings. I know they are medical doctors but I wanted to just make sure it wasn’t something else. She said she was very proud of me for coming in and it was good to talk to someone. That it is very common and I am not alone. She also checked my blood sugar, thyroid, and something else that I can’t remember. She recommended a postpatum depression clinic out of UNC…so I am going to see them on the 14th.

The rest of the week has gone much better. I have kept busy to not let the walls close in and LT has done very well. I know it gets better…just sometimes time seems to crawl. Also many people have said that 6 weeks is the peak…so hopefully that will prove true. Today Kevin stayed home and it was fabulous. I can say it probably has been one of my best days since his birth. He slept most of the day actually and was very happy in his awake times. There was very minimal crying but having another set of hands is always helpful. I actually got laundry done, slept in until 8, packed up all the announcements, and finished up all the DVR! AND we got LT to bed by 7:45! I am living one day at a time and trying to just go with the flow. Tuesday I plan to try and take him to daycare to maybe get a few hours to myself and see how he does.

Overall I am lucky to have a baby who knows what night time is…who sleeps for longer than 30 minute stretches…that knows my face…who is gaining weight…and is pretty fucking cute if I do say so myself πŸ™‚

2 Comments

  1. There is this commercial – I am not sure if it's still on… it stated "having a baby changes everything."

    No shit. It really REALLY does. It's the hardest and most amazing, exhausting, emotionally draining cluster fuck of reality you can about ever go through. I had a really bad time too, this go around… my ledge came in the form of feeding, and I hung on by a thread for a good number of weeks. I too am proud of you for reaching out… it's a very hard thing to do.

    You're not alone. It does get better. Ironicaly the best thing for me was getting back to WORK outside the home. Similar to you in many ways I think – I had too much time on my hands at home and it was bad for my head. The structure and routine that comes from slightly more predictable days helps.

    Let us know if we can watch that small for a few hours if you all want to go out. We've had lots of practice… and we'd love to help out. πŸ™‚ Landon and Amelia – sittin' in a tree…

    πŸ™‚

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