A voluptuous trip down memory lane

I partied hard in college

Boobs. I asked Twitter what to write about…and they gave me fun bags. So boobies you shall get!

First off, anytime I think of boobs being funny, I think of The Animated Woman. Ever seen that post? Go now. I myself had a similar journey. I can’t draw funny pictures…so I submit to you photos of me from the archives.  Welcome to my boob story.

I was flat as a pancake as a tiny teen. I remember doing my mom’s laundry and saying “SWEET JESUS HOW MANY TISSUES COULD ONE STUFF IN HERE!” (Hi mom!) She told me my day would come and she would laugh her ass off. I told her I couldn’t hear her over the echo from her bra. Well I made it through high school with a respectable pair of knockers. Nothing to rest my chin on but not an ironing board either. I don’t recall them being a major part of my life…just there.

Exhibit A..but Michele's look better

Then came college…and a few more pounds…and a few lower cut shirts..and I nailed myself a mann with the ole mammaries. (Hi Honey!) O those girls were well loved. Fancy bras and bikinis were the name of the game.

Got my Mrs. degree with those honkers

Brown chicken brown cow, INDEED.  The married life brought plenty of high times for the hooters. They were rockin it newlywed style. They spent many days tanning at the river and being bound down by running bras. Little did they know what they were in for.

CAAAA Chow - Lightening McQueen

Then I got pregnant and the chesticles took on a whole new life. First the melons hurt like a mother fucker. Then they grew…and grew..and grew to sizes I didn’t know they made.

Oooo gurl you is FAT

Then I had that baby and the tig o bitties fed him.  The bajunas got infections and I outfitted the twin peaks with plastic horns for 12 months. I kept feeding said spawn num nums for 15 months and then? Well the mounds of fun delated.  They are now back to high school size with a lot less perk.  Next stop, wonderbra….

Whaaa whaaa

Shout out: Thanks to all the tweeps who helped with my vocabulary choices. Katherine, Adam, Kathleen 1, Katherine 2, and Laura‘s cheating Urban Dictionary of terms.

P.S. Check out Landon and Jack in this week’s Mommy Shorts caption contest!! The Mann clan in their finest form.

12 Comments

  1. Oh honey, that is cute if you think those are huge pregnancy boobs. When nursing/pumping, I only fit into the largest nursing bra made by (whatever company is the best one, I forget bc it’s been so long).

    You will be so sad to know I started as a 34DD and ended as a 34DD with no loss in perkiness. And no stretch marks from twins. I think of it as my reward for FOURTEEN WEEKS of bed rest.

  2. I am laughing my ass off! This post rocks! So true.. I went from a pirates dream (sunken treasure) to a comfy respectable C in my late teens, only to arrive at a D when I got married, to DD when preggers & nursing the first time,to an A after weening and them becoming a runner. I have owned many a wonderbra and after this baby I may need surgical help!
    Thanks for the laugh! I enjoy your writing!

  3. Bitches. I started out with biggish boobs (a respectable 34C, thankyouverymuch) and a decade, three kids and notaminute of breastfeeding later? Still 34C.
    They are unhideable. I know, I know. You THINK if you had big ones you’d be proud of them& wanting those hush puppies to lead you onward and upward! You’re not at funerals and PTA meetings, trust me. They fill out my Tshirts nicely and my husband would surely perish if they ever decided to leave, but the love for my big ol girls waxes and wanes. But they’re still perky and I better be nice to them:)

    • Yeah I think that is my problem. I haven’t lost mass..just the perk. So that sucks. I think I referred to it recently as more like soft serve in a cup vs scooped ice cream :).

  4. Oh yay….I am so glad I was able to help you write your post. 🙂

    I was sadly small all through high school. A B until I was preggers. A C while breastfeeding and now? I’m a sad, ski-slopy A. Womp.

  5. You cracked me up. I totally feel ya. After pumping for twins and going fr a D to an F then nursing the boy and going from D to H (need to look in that huge nursing bra again but I swear, H) I totally feel ya. I need a boob job. Anyone?

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