Confession time

Hmm…so how to start this? I kept something from this blog. I had good reason to at the time but now I feel like me talking about it will make someone feel better. The community of support and “me too” is too powerful not to. So here goes:

Fall of 2010 I had my second miscarriage.

Yup. I have talked with others about it if it has come up. Usually helping a friend with a MC. I’m not ashamed. I just have guilt. Part of my soapbox is being more open about these things. It isn’t a closeted issue in my eyes. We should help each other out. So for that, I’m sorry for keeping it from you (all of you…I know a lot of you are finding this a shock right now). I want to put myself out there.

The reason I didn’t talk about it before was because it was short. I learned I was pregnant, knew for about 4 days, had cramps and bleeding and it was gone. If I wasn’t so neurotic about my body, I probably would have never known. I never felt pregnant. It never felt right. I never even had time to get my hopes up. It was a weird feeling. With Pumpkin, we had tried on purpose, saw a heartbeat, sore boobs…all of it. Then when that heartbeat was gone, it hurt. The D&C was terrible and the 2 months of waiting on the green light to start again was just kicking me while I was down. This time? None of it. So I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want condolences for something I didn’t feel. I didn’t want worried phone calls and tears when I wasn’t crying myself. I just went on with my life. I wasn’t ready for another baby yet.

I was relieved.

And then the guilt started. How could I say that? We were able to have another. Financially. Logistically. We tried for 9 months for Landon. It wasn’t fun (sorry hun). But I had just finished breastfeeding. I wanted my body to myself. How selfish, right? Maybe it was because I didn’t ever feel like it was real. Never a symptom, never a good feeling. Maybe that was the universe trying to help me. Either way I was conflicted. Come out and fake sorrow or just not say anything? I obviously chose the later.

I have come close to writing about this multiple times but just didn’t have the words. Maybe hearing Dolphin’s heartbeat at 15 weeks was an extra sigh of relief. Anyway, I want this post to be a safe place if you have felt this way. This isn’t a sad post. If things didn’t work out and you weren’t devastated, you aren’t alone. It is a tough place to be in. I’m here. Contact me if you want. I am happy to talk about it. I want to help the community and me coming out is my way of helping.

 

To note, very shortly after it, I read this post by Katie of Sluiter Nation on Band Back Together.  It comforted me at the time.  Thank you Katie.

18 Comments

  1. I’ve had two miscarriages as well. The first was just after we had gotten married. I was young, only 20. I didn’t even know I was pregnant until the cramping and bleeding began. I felt very removed from the whole thing. Sad but matter of fact. I didn’t tell anyone either except close family and friends. I don’t think they understand why I didn’t want the sympathy. I didn’t really understand it either.
    The second was different. We were older with a 5 yr old. We knew about the pregnancy and were excited. It was devastating not to hear that heartbeat. And the physical recovery was tough. I felt like I was on autopilot. Just daily activities were to much to handle. It took 6 months to crawl out if that hole. Only finding out I was pregnant with my second full term child really helped snap me out if it.
    Thanks for sharing.

  2. Oh I have incredible love for you. You know this, right?
    We sing this similar tune…and it all worked out just swimmingly in the end (<- catch the Dolphin reference…aww yeah!)

  3. Thanks for sharing. I have never been in this situation but I think it is so important for people to be honest about their experiences and break the silence of the other side of mothering.

  4. Thank you so much for sharing. It wasn’t until I had my first m/c that I found out just how many other women had experienced the same thing- it helps immeasurably to talk about it. This is a link to a piece I wrote about the third unfortunate time that I went through the process.

    http://www.blogapotamus.com/?p=636

    What I have definitely found is that is no “right way” to feel about a miscarriage. Only your way. Good for you for writing this!

  5. Thanks for sharing. I hope writing it down helps you let go of any guilt you may be feeling. Everything happens for a reason and Dolphin is here and healthy because it’s the right time. Here’s to a happy healthy pregnancy with your little one.

  6. Oh Brandy, thank you so much for sharing. I think that the more we share about some of these unspoken experiences, the more helpful it is. I know that during our dark years of infertility, sharing helped me so much. I’m glad you were able to write about it finally.

  7. Love you! Thanks for being so open about this kind of thing – for those of us who haven’t been through it yet, it’s amazing to be able to learn from those that have gone first. It takes at least a little bit of the scary out.

  8. You cannot feel guilty for your feelings here…if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last few months is that when you share your true feelings, those that love you (efriends & IRL) will be there for you. Someone has been in the same place as you…at least close to it. I think it takes a lot of courage to share this and I really admire you for it. Hugs, friend.

  9. Pingback: You Asked, I’m Answerin

Leave a Reply

(*) Required, Your email will not be published