So I finally packed up Pumpkin’s things. The ultrasound, the cards, the pregnancy tests. Something feels weird that there are only these little things in that big shoe box. Feels like there should be more…maybe I should write a letter or something. But then would I want to read it later? I feel like I need to show more emotion…maybe it is all this reading I have been doing.
I have been reading some women’s blogs who have also lost a little one. They seem so empty and devastated. Not to say this doesn’t suck ass big time…but they seem like they can’t get past the “what if” stuff. I have seen posts of them wondering would the baby have blue eyes, or have their smile. I just don’t think that way. Does that make me a bad person? They write poems and watch REALLY sad Youtube clips of songs about miscarriage. Maybe they are looking for someone to relate to…but I just can’t see how that is helping you move along. I avoid saying “move on” because I know you can’t ever completely move on. I am telling myself that I am just not that emotional. I don’t think I got all the girly jeans I am supposed to. I think of things too logically. Lots of these women get enraged to see other pregnant women or babies. They cry at the sight of a happy family. And if you told them the usual “you can try again” or “it was meant to be this way”, they would claw your eyes out with a spoon. So why is it that words like that help me understand? Why does telling myself “this is natures way of working” make it ok for me? Is there something wrong with me? Don’t get me wrong…there hasn’t been a day I don’t think about Pumpkin but I don’t think about a “baby”…I think about being pregnant. And one of the girls I read just had another miscarriage and I thought what she had to say was very insightful into what I miss and what I fear in the future:
“There is certainly an innocence lost after miscarriage. An innocence lost that can not really be explained unless you have experienced it. If you have, you’ll know exactly what I am trying to convey. It really makes itself apparent if another pregnancy occurs. Pregnancy doesn’t mean the same thing anymore. It becomes clinical. Before I ever had a miscarriage, I freely interchanged the phrases “I’m pregnant” with “I’m having a baby”. Now, they are two very different things to me.” – Viv
After the initial shock of losing Pumpkin, this is what I was sad about. It won’t be new again. Before, only like 2 people even knew we were trying. Our parents were clueless, we had no clue if my crazy timing schedule was even right, and we were ecstatic to see those pink lines. But we have lost that. I guess I think of it as the innocence of it that she talked about. I know I have plenty of time since I am so young and healthy, but I want to be pregnant again NOW. Next time those lines will mean “I’m pregnant”…time to freak out. Not the level of excitement as before. Now I do feel like I didn’t get too far ahead of myself. I didn’t go shopping for baby clothes and toys….if anything I avoided the entire section of the store. I bought a stroller on the bulletin board at work(because it was an awesome deal that could not be passed up) but that was it. So maybe I never fully invested in it for fear this would happen…so maybe I protected myself some…or maybe I knew it in my subconscious Who knows?
But this is my goodbye to Pumpkin. My goodbye to my sadness, goodbye to my uncertainty, and goodbye to my sense of helplessness. I am a strong person. I will be fine. And even though I am not a very religious person, everything happens for a reason. If anything, this has taught me that…even down to a scientific level. So bye bye Pumpkin…you will be missed.
“An angel wrote in the book of life, my baby’s date of birth. Then whispered as she closed the book ‘Too beautiful for earth.'”