Therapy writing

First I am writing this to help me. If it makes no sense to you…sorry.

Well lets start with the events leading to this. Ever since Thanksgiving, Landon’s nights have been anything but fun. He wakes up randomly and has gone from being able to fall back asleep with a few pats to now going to a frenzy immediately and can’t be soothed without being picked up and rocked. Part of this is because when he wakes up, he sticks his butt in the air and falls over to his back…and FREAKS OUT. This happens over and over…it is mind numbing. Part of this falls back to us just letting him sleep on his tummy. He never learned to fall asleep on his back without the swaddle. We talked about a little bit of this with the Dr. on Monday but his advice was general to say the least. He said to let him cry until he gets out of control, and then settle him. Yeah except the fact that he starts off out of control. Then there you are standing over him trying to soothe him and he just screams…hard. What to do? So last night we thought we would try true tough love. When he woke up at 11:30, Kevin tried soothing him…which was EXTREMELY hard this time. He put him on his back and we left the room. He screamed…and screamed…and at some point we both kinda drifted off but I awoke to realize he had been doing it for over 2 hours. My heart sank. Then the tidal wave of depresssion, anxiety, disappointment, and doubt came rushing in to console me. I went in and flipped him over and he was out like a light. But I couldn’t go to sleep. I lay there shaking with anxiety. Was he going to be so tired that he didn’t wake up? What had I done to my poor baby? I have never felt so ashamed at myself ever. And of course when I let in the 1 doubt and trouble, they all join the party. I lay there trying to focus on the dumb stuff on TV…try to think of ANYTHING positive but I couldn’t. The tunnel got longer and I couldn’t see the light at the end. I know everything is “phase” with babies but I don’t know how to make it out of this one. And what horrible timing with the stress of the holidays. So to help me cope, here is a list of my worries…maybe this will help:

1. LT can’t put himself to sleep once he wakes up…how to I teach him without going insane?
2. Am I horrible parent for letting him sleep on his tummy with all the SIDS talk?
3. The dog is losing weight like a mad man and we don’t know why.
4. The dog hasn’t had a walk in weeks and I feel horrible about it(but it is the weather and getting dark early really).
5. I just started a “new job” and I can’t even make it a week without having to go get him or having a breakdown where I need to stay home.
6. Pumping sucks and I fight every day to have enough. And stress is only making this worse.
7. I have a stack of Christmas cards but can’t find time to send them.
8. I eat like shit.
9. I can’t work out …I never have time…
10. The thought of Christmas and being home all day is starting to scare me.

That feels a little better. I went to healthcare again toady to see about some medication. It is difficult because of nursing…and I don’t want to give that up. If anything, it keeps me sane. I love it and it helps me relax. Seeing him smile with his mouth full is one of the best things EVER. So basically it was going on some heavy antidepressants all the time, or just help me sleep. I have chosen the sleep for now. The Dr. sent me home with some Ambien. Hopefully it can just help me relax and sleep. Kevin is on duty tonight.

On the LT side, since this extreme panic, my supply dropped off completely today. I pumped twice and got 2 oz total. So tonight I used that mixed with formula to put him down. He fell asleep and only took about an oz. But he didn’t act like he hated it. He was just sleepy. So this is the start of supplementing…hopefully just being a little fuller will help him.

This is a bumpy road…but I think I can make it through.

UPDATE: LT put himself to sleep at daycare and slept for 2.5 hours 🙂 YAY Landon!

7 Comments

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  5. It is comforting to know I’m not alone. Currently going through week 20 with twins as a first time mama and dealing with #’s 1,3,4,5,8 & 9. Looking forward to getting past this stage.

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