I hate

I hate being exhausted an hour after I wake up.

I hate eating shitty food because I only have 20 minutes until the screaming starts again.

I hate that the swing takes time to start and can kill my chances at extending his nap.

I hate being short with Landon.

I hate not sleeping with my husband at reasonable hours of the night.

I hate seeing babies who will sleep in carseats in restaurants.

I hate rainy days when I can’t walk.

I hate the humidity too.

I hate my house because I worry one kid is waking the other, there isn’t enough room for baby crap and my stupid open floor plan of a first floor.

I hate when the wireless on my phone won’t work in the middle of the night.

I hate the phrase “by x week it will get better” though I know it is true for some.

I hate how my coffee gets cold 70% of mornings…in a travel mug…at home.

I hate the speed at which a car nap is killed when the car stops.

I hate that it takes me too long to get the stroller out of the car while he is still asleep.

I hate sweating so much.

I hate not having any consistency.

I hate the automated pharmacy message that keeps calling but I can’t answer it because I don’t have that kind of time.

I hate not having time for sex…hell a cuddle at this point.

I hate the tiny Lightening McQueen toy Landon keeps losing.

I hate that 3 of my best friends have to listen to me complain 24/7.

I hate that they live so far away.

I hate Starbucks for not having almond milk.

I hate that my dog seems depressed and it is most likely because I am a stressed mess.

I hate feeling the need to research sleep training when I know it won’t work. I just can’t funnel my energy into something else.

I hate how my feet are dry and gross but exfoliating them in the shower takes precious minutes away.

I hate wasting gas from taking the long way everywhere.

I hate feeling so hateful.

Today I am getting help so hopefully I can look at these more like the first world problems that they are.

 

*note I wrote this while clearing my head after a trying day…still doesn’t make less true.

46 Comments

  1. Ha! I have to laugh simply because that is EXACTLY how i felt after my second and still do concerning that pesky tiny McQueen! and a bigger one that the stickers keep falling off and for the love of God i can not get them back on and have them stay! I hate all this for you! My coffee still gets cold and my leg hair is so long i can feel the breeze (because i don’t like to take the time every time out of fear of what might be going on), but hey it’s about to be pants season! I wouldn’t change a thing…except for….doing what you are doing and voicing it, finding help , and using that said help (friends, family, anyone!, anything!). Thank you for what you do here on this blog!

  2. I hate being woken up before the clock says 6.
    I hate not being able to figure out why the baby is crying.
    I hate having to juggle two kids needs. I miss the bliss of only having one (but I obviously still love and wouldn’t change the baby)
    I hate that I have to clarify that prior point.
    I hate that the toddler doesn’t understand shhhh’ing hand motions.

    • Yes yes yes. Though my tot gets shhhhing. Just still loud in general but I figure the baby has to get used tout for daycare. He is good at not being scared at least.

  3. Good Lord I feel for you. Been there so many times, and I know that nothing I or anyone can say will make it better. Glad you are getting help today though. Hang in there mama!!!

  4. Me too. I felt so hateful, inadequate, alone, whiny etc during those newborn weeks which seemed to last forever. My baby cried, didnt sleep, we had nursing issues – other moms made it look so easy. I hated that too. Your post made me cry, but know there are other moms who understand. Sometimes putting it out there is the only way to stay sane.

  5. Hope the help helps. I know how tough it was for me with one having all those feelings building up inside. Can’t imagine it with two. You are a strong woman and a great mama, and your boys know you love them.

  6. I am SO with you on hating that I am so short with Grayson now. Adding a baby to the mix zapped all my remaining patience. I have to walk away and breathe now before I react to the toddler. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way but the fact that you’re getting the help you need makes you a great mama!

  7. THANK YOU! Finally someone speaks the truth about what a day in the life is for a new mom instead of making it look like unicorns and glitter all the time. I felt exactly like this and frankly there are still days but it feels a little more manageable to stay in control as they get older.

    My mom always says “Everything in motherhood is so short term.” I do feel this is true and you WILL get there! Hang in there and maybe start drinking earlier in the day?! Maybe switch to iced coffee?

  8. I hate all of these things.
    I hate most that I’m here-here and you’re there and I hate that I can’t DO anything other than commiserate and offer shitty advice.

    I love that you’re honest.
    I love that you’re present.
    I love that you’re in the trenches doing this even though it’s pitifully and woefully unfair.
    I love you. I love your boys. All four of them:)

  9. Often times I wonder what it would be like to have two. It’s easy to idealize things. Thank you for giving the good, the bad, and the ugly. I agree with Amanda wholeheartedly! You are an amazing woman and Mama. You have an Army of amazing women and Mamas behind you. Let yourself feel and process the emotions – it will help set your mind, body and soul free. Don’t feel guilty and don’t feel alone! Easier said than done, but had to say it. You have a beautiful family and so much to look forward to. When you feel up for it, make a list of all the things you love. πŸ™‚
    P.S. There is a travel mug out there that seriously keeps the coffee hot for 12 hours. I will find out which one (My MIL’s hubby uses it) and send you the link!

  10. I’ve totally been there. Heck, I’m still there some days. You’re doing a great job.

    Think about it like you would during a long run. It’s brutal while you’re in it but there are moments of clarity. And at the end it really all be worth it. You won’t remember the horrible parts as much as the amazing ones.

  11. Oh Brandy… I’m so sorry. Big hugs. Hannah was so, so, SO hard and I remember how much I hated hating everything. I’m always here if you need another person to send ranty text messages or emails to!

  12. I am right there with you. I have a two and a half year old as well as a four month old.

    I hate how once something gets better at x weeks, something else gets worse.

    I hate my house, open concept AND a tiny little two bedroom condo. You hear everything. Neighbours upstairs are doing renovations. I can’t even lay the baby on the floor for fear of him being stepped on by a playing toddler.

    I hate how I haven’t slept with my husband since my baby was born. He sleeps in the bed until I am ready to go to bed, then he leaves for the couch when the baby wakes up for his first night feed.

    I hate picking up the phone. I don’t have time to talk to anyone.

    I hate leaving the phone to ring. Why does it always ring during someone’s nap?

    Bah. No more. Will try not to dwell on the hate. I hope you aren’t either. xo

  13. I hate it all, too! Not fun–I share many of these sentiments with you. It will get better, this I know, but I want it to get better now! πŸ™‚

  14. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time. I remember these days well when my family went from three to four. As much as everyone hates the saying, “hang in there” I hope you’ll try to until it gets better.

    • I know adding to the family adds more stress but I can probably say it would be like this if it was just Ollie too. Me and infants don’t have a good track record.

  15. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!! I don’t have any kids yet (hubby and I are TTC) but I read a number of mommy blogs and I so appreciate that you don’t shy away from the tough stuff and the bad days! On some of the blogs the mama’s seem to only ever post about the awesome days but I find you so refreshing (along with Megan of meandwee and Jill from Baby Rabies). Thank you for putting it out there that not all babies are going to be perfect happy sleepers and every day is not going to be like that blond model type from ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’. Kudo’s to you for all that you do. Keep your chin up πŸ™‚

  16. Your words ring so true … they were in my head four and a half years ago with newborn Lily (oh, was she a screamer). It’s a distant memory now, and I promise the same for you. This WILL get better. Proud of you for getting the help you need and deserve. Much love.

    • I knew when I was thinking this that it would help other moms who were afraid to say it. I know it is ok…because I have such a great network. You feed depression and anxiety by thinking you are alone.

  17. I hate that I didn’t have the courage to say these things and applaud that you do/did.
    I hate that those weeks were some of my longest and lonliest.
    I hate that you are living this. No promises of when it will get better but I am happy to listen or commiserate.

  18. I’m 3 years past this phase with my second child and I feel compelled to let you know that it gets soooo much better. I can now eat cereal without it getting all soggy and slimy. I consider that a win. But I still hate that Starbucks doesn’t have almond milk!

    And yes, if you think you need it please get help and please talk about it. For me, talk therapy and zoloft kept me from constantly yelling at my husband and older child (depression can manifest itself in rage). I never wanted to hurt or neglect my baby but I sure didn’t handle anything else in life very well.

  19. This hurts my heart. It hurts for so many reasons. As a woman, a mother, a registered nurse – its in my natural instinct base to want to fix everything for you and make you love the little moments of each day that add up to our whole and not hate so many of them…. Heres the tough part – Honestly, this hurts me in a way that I struggle to mention for fear of being “insensitive” or the “bad guy”. My heart hurts for all the women who may read this who are begging, pleading, bargaining every month with God to “please let this be the cycle…” I know because for almost 6yrs I was that woman. The pain of infertility isn’t resolved with the birth of a
    child. Those are scars that women shouldn’t
    ever have to know – like PPD/PPA. I wish they
    were all hurts/despairs/hopelessness that just
    did not exist.
    While I commend you for sharing this and being a beacon/voice for other Women who share this pain, I ask you also remember there is a woman who may be reading this somewhere hurting who would give an appendage to be in your shoes gladly “hating the little things” because it would mean they were part of this amazing group of women who are Mothers on the good days and bad…

    I hope that came across the way I mean in to…

    • I don’t think she needs to remember that at all. This post is about HER and what SHE needs. Everyone has struggles, and everyone has experiences. It’s unfair to say she should think about the very large group of women who are unfortunately struggling with infertility, when she is dealing with her own issues. It is awful to face infertility but that in no way makes what is happening here any less valid.

      You cannot just be grateful for the struggles because someone else wants what you have. I mean, I don’t think Brandy would look a person struggling with infertility in the eye and be like “well at least you’re not dealing with this” but to assume she should consider a vast and unknown group of people when she’s talking about her own very real life at this moment on her very own blog, is unfair.

      That’s the same as saying she should never be mad at her husband because some people have lost their husbands or that she shouldn’t complain about cold coffee because some people have no coffee. Non sequitur.

      I find it somewhat troubling that you needed to point this out on a post that was so real, raw, deep and personal to her. She needed to vent and she deserves support regardless of what anyone else is experienced. Her feelings cannot be invalidated by other people’s experience. Or at least, they shouldn’t.

  20. Wow.

    At NO point did I invalidate Brandy’s feelings in my comment. In fact, I started my comment commending her for sharing as well as telling her I sad I am that she is hurting. I know Brandy personally and would do anything to help or her days like these…

    My comment was MY feeling and MY response which I am fully entitled to post on her open forum blog. It’s about perspective and sometimes it’s helpful to hear anothers thoughts that arent “yes! exaxtly! or I feel the same about….” As another person’s perspective perhaps, change your thoughts/feelings – even if for a moment.

    I don’t know you from Adam, but I know Brandy and she knows me so ultimately if she shares your thoughts then I am more than happy to discuss this with her. It however does not change how I perceived this post as that is how my life and my experiences have shaped me as well as a significant number of our personal friends – hardly the “vast” and “unknown” group you speak of.

    • You specifically ASKED her to think about how her feelings are affecting other people – people she doesn’t know because they are just “some women reading this”. From where I’m sitting, that type of comment serves no purpose, at least not in the way presented here. Maybe you haven’t been through what she’s going through right now, but I have and that comment made ME feel frustrated for her. She’s venting and needing support, not a reminder that other people have suffered to get where she is. She’s aware that the child is wonderful thing, that doesn’t make this any less difficult. What you offered wasn’t support or even a new way of looking at this situation, it was a thinly veiled slap IMO. That is what invalidates how she’s feeling – as though she hasn’t got a right to feel that way.

      I was referring to the very large group of women – yourself and friends included but in no way exclusive, who suffer through infertility. That is a vast and unknown group at large. I know women who suffer this, but I do not know all of them. That is what makes them vast and fundamentally unknown.

      Telling her that you commend her for putting herself out there, then asking her to remember other people’s struggles is not supporting her. To me, this comes off as “don’t whine about what you have when other people would like to have it”. That is MY perspective and exactly how this reads to me. And you started off saying you don’t want to be perceived as “insensitive” or “the bad guy” which indicates quite clearly that you knew on some level that maybe, this wasn’t the right place or way to bring this up.

      If you can’t see how that could be perceived by someone struggling, then I’m sorry.

  21. Thanks for another dissertation on why i am so horrible. I’ll keep all that in mind, or not.

    Like I said before I am happy to discuss this at length with BRANDY as opposed to someone I’ve never heard of, and don’t know from Adam. I’m not a World Wide Web blog reader – I follow blogs of people I know and am friends with in my life. I don’t always share the same thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, ideals as everyone (nor would I expect anyone else to). Perhaps my mistake was thinking I could comment with my honest reaction. You are chastising me for my lack of support when what is really ironic is of the other 20 something people who responded to her post stating they have been through the same thing you didn’t take the time to encourage/address anyone else. Brandy’s a big girl – she can speak up for herself to me if she would like. She doesn’t need you to do it for her.

    Brandy – my guess from your lack of response to my comment is that you are either hurt, angry, frustrated or perhaps a combination of any/all of those things. I apologize if I’ve hurt you as that was not my intention as I trust anyone of our handful of friends would attest is not in my character. I stand by what I said as that is truly the reaction I experienced to reading your post. It doesn’t negate that I am hurt for you as well.

    Call me, email me, text me, fb me – whatever you are comfortable with if you’d like to chat more about this.

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