CTFD

Curly_straws_make_booze_more_funnest.Parenting “techniques” are dumb. Attachment, free range, tiger mom. All of it is just fucking stupid. We are micromanaging life. Kids grow up. Kids learn. Yes, we need to be there to help them and encourage them. Teach them to not be total dick bags but we seem to get so anxious in the moment over the silliest things. They seem HUGE at the time but we all look back and go “jesus I was high strung”. Sometimes it is innocent enough and we are all learning but I think before we get into the big issues as these kids get older, we need to take a minute and Calm the Fuck Down. With me?

I keep seeing people talking about Daddy Complex‘s CTFD post and it makes me nod because of how many people are now readers from this post. While my goal was 2 fold there, it could be labeled as a gently worded CALM THE FUCK DOWN. I look back on the 4 month sleep regression and can barely remember it. I remember being tired but that’s about it. I get emails, comments, DMs, etc asking “is he broken? Will he ever learn to sleep?” 99% of the time, I think you can say yes {i reserve 1 percent or less for CRAZY medical mysteries}. And I think that is why that post is popular. Step back from the situation and see the big picture. Growing baby is growing…let it run its course. By saying “look at what else is changing” snaps you out of the downward spiral.

Along with this, Kendra and I were talking one day and she asked me a question about this very thing {oh Kendra you flatter me and it gets you EVERYWHERE}.

“You seem to have a great go-with-the-flow attitude toward life. I’ve noticed you handle most stressful situations very calmly and as you’ve said in a post before, don’t define yourself by the things that happen to you (or something like that). Where does this mentality come from and if it doesn’t come naturally how do you get to that place?”

I had a “whoa” moment there. Then I told Kevin and he laughed and laughed {dick}. But as much as he gave me shit, he knows we balance each other out. When there is a bump in the night, I go “oh that is just the rack in the shower falling over” while he is already poised with a bat. When the kids bust their ass climbing on something, I say “meh, it’ll be fine. Walk it off. Gotta learn somehow.” But to answer the question, a lot of that is just nature pure and simple. Oh I can get worked up about stuff…don’t you fret but ultimately I always stop and think

“Is there anything I can do about it?”

That is usually how it goes. “Hey your IUD is hanging out in your body and you are going to have to get that fucker out”. I let it process (cry, scream, anger) and then I look at the big picture.

Am I alive? – Yup.

Is there a plan to fix it? – Yup

Am I in pain? – Nope

Am I pregnant? – Nope

Could this have been a billion times worse? YUUUUUUUPPPP

I calmed the fuck down. I blogged it because I wanted other people to calm the fuck down. I googled missing IUD stuff…it was scary and worse case scenarios. I didn’t find it very helpful in the whole “calm the fuck down” thing. I wanted to paint a picture that it’s not all ZOMG THE SKY IS FALLING.

Big picture. That is the key. Are you going to be able to get from point a to point b? If yes, then try to chill. There will be bumps and detours….that is life. If we let things drag us down {especially tiny things} we can’t see the good. If we are so overwhelmed with a baby who is fussy and clingy, we don’t see the huge leaps in development he is going through. If we work ourselves up about how hard potty training is going to be, we may be waisting our time because the kid just does it . It just seems to be a trend that we start freaking out before there is something to freak out about. Birth? 9 MONTH FREAK OUT. With Ollie, I didn’t freak out. He would come out on way or another. I had preferences…sure but I never made a birth plan or harped about it. And you know what? He came out and it was magical. It was so much of what I wanted. I felt like a gat damn rockstar.

So breathe. Step back. Look at the issue and see if it REALLY warrants the freak out. There are times that YES, it is a good time to go ape shit but most of the time, nope. Life will keep on trucking and everyone will be just fine. I think the quote Kendra was trying to remember was “Life is better than the shitty things that happen to us.” And I still stand by that.

shitty

10 Comments

  1. That IS the quote!! Thanks for sharing all of this. I think for me it is reminding myself to step back from the stressful moment and look at the big picture. That is what I need to work on.

  2. I am working on CTFD. Case in point, kid is pooping green. Like 4 times a day pooping lime green. Totally out of the ordinary. Talked to the doctor, she said not to worry. Trying not to. I tell myself, He will not poop green every day for the rest of his life. If it continues, we’ll figure out why.

    But I’m a “jump to the worst conclusion” person, or I have been most of my life, so it takes practice and dedication to stop going there. To PAUSE. The pause, I think, is key. My default is to react, then think, and I’m training myself to reverse. But it’s hard, hard work.

  3. That IS the quote!! Thank you for sharing this! You are so right about all of it. It is so pointless to get worked up over the tiny shit. CTFD doesn’t mean you don’t care or that as a parent you don’t worry about your kids, it just means you don’t have to have a damn heart attack every single day. I love what you said about there being “bumps and detours”, there’s no getting around it so just get on board, work through it, and chill. 🙂

    I am anxious for my next opportunity to try this out and see if I can really stick with it. I understand, I love it, and I really want to be this way so it is going to take some real effort to achieve. Thanks for the inspiration!

  4. I have one of those 1% crazy medical mystery kids. They do happen. He ate every two hours around the clock until he was 13 months old. Was told so many different things by so many people – family, friends, medical professionals. At 13 months we forced weaned and then things really went downhill. At 18 months we finally got our medical diagnosis. And I felt relief, and a big F you to the prior doctors that told me it was autism/too smart for his own good/sensory/coddling/etc. Long story short, he has severe GI issues that still plague him (and will for the rest of his life). So yes, 99% of the time (maybe 98%) your baby is growing and is totally normal. But when do you know that’s not the case? I needed a huge lesson on how to CTFD. Still do, actually!

    • Barbara,
      I was in this same boat myself with our 13 month old. My son would get a stomach bug every 3-4 weeks like clock work and we kept getting told it was because he was in daycare full-time and it was normal for them to catch “bugs.” Well, I accepted that response for the first couple but when it kept happening over and over, and no other kids in his class were getting sick I just knew in my gut that something wasn’t right. The final straw was when he had severe, and I can’t stress that enough, SEVERE diarrhea for 10 days straight causing the WORST diaper rash you can imagine, weight loss, etc. That’s when we said this is not “normal” and we need to get some answers. Like you, we finally saw a Pediatric GI specialist and got to the bottom of his GI issues as well and once we knew what we were dealing with we were able to treat it and live much happier!

      You do have to CFTD over minor shit (pun intended) but when your intuition is telling you something is amiss it is our jobs as advocates of our kids to speak up on their behalf. There’s a time and place for NOT CFTD and speaking up when necessary. The rest of the time? Chill. 😉

  5. Dear Brandy,

    This post made my day! I couldn’t agree with you more and it feels great to hear someone else say it too! I work at a Children’s Hospital which is perspective in my face every. day. (But, even then some of the parents whose kids are sick but going to be OK also need to CTFD because not all our family’s are so lucky). Anyhoo, when I hear fellow school parents (I have an 8 year-old daughter) worrying about stupid shit like why their kid isn’t reading “War and Peace” yet…I think CTFD. You are exactly right, 99% of the time it will be just fine. And let’s use the time and energy we spend worrying about nothing to help support the 1% who are struggling. Not to mention, when a parent is worried that much the kid internalizes it and thinks “Mom’s always worried….there must be something wrong with me.”

    Anyway, sorry to blather on but thanks for your wonderful dose of reality. I enjoy reading about your wonderful family!

  6. Pingback: Baby sleep…it gets better

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